Updated, 2:30 p.m.: Text added; it had been omitted in error
With all the recent talk about the need to combat climate change, I’ve been convinced. Yes my friends, the science is settled and it is now indisputable that something must be done immediately to prevent the absolute guaranteed climate disaster currently threatening the human race.
Since you are justifiably concerned – you’re in luck.
I have started a new company to provide CARBON OFFSETS to help those people who currently create more green-house gases than their share.
Let’s start with the facts:
- It is a FACT that all people who inhale consume life-giving oxygen.
- It is a FACT that all people who exhale emit Carbon Dioxide – a pre-eminent green-house gas.
- It is a FACT that Carbon Dioxide levels in the atmosphere have INCREASED in the last 50 years.
- It is a FACT that anyone who works out, plays sports, rides their bike, walks to work, or otherwise exerts themselves in any way – inhales and exhales more often than the average person.
Therefore – it is a FACT that active-type people are doing more damage to the planet than the non-active-type people.
Since I care, I’ve created a new company called – “Stop the Carbon Adding Menace, Inc.” (SCAM, Inc.). I have hired environmentally friendly activists who are required NOT to exert themselves in ANY WAY for at least eight hours a day. This “non-activity” offers a concerned and caring person an opportunity to offset their “Carbon Footprint” by “trading” their excessive production of global warming gases with my non-threatening, pro-planet, dedicated, “People Of Truth And Thoughtful Of Environmental Safety (a.k.a. POTATOES).
All “POTATOES” are mandated by my strict company policy to remain ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY by sitting or lying down on their personally designated “Company Occupiable Units w/ Cushioned Headboards (a.k.a. “COUCH”) for the entire length of a work day. This (in)action will allow my POTATOES to remain on the COUCH thus slowing their breathing patterns and reducing the amount of human created carbon dioxide all while diminishing the willful destruction of life sustaining oxygen.
P.S. – Overtime is encouraged.
I started a company to SAVE THE PLANET – But what can you do you ask?
First – Admit the FACTS noted above are accurate (you do admit the facts above are accurate, don’t you?)
Second – Admit CLIMATE CHANGE is a serious problem (you do admit that CLIMATE CHANGE is a serious problem, don’t you?)
Third – Admit that you care and that you want to commit to actually doing something about CLIMATE CHANGE (you do admit to caring and you do want to actually do something about CLIMATE CHANGE don’t you?)
Then here’s your chance to actually DO SOMETHING about it –
For payments of only $50/hour you can SAVE THE PLANET by hiring one of my dedicated COUCH POTATOES to offset your destructive “extra carbon producing activities.” I can assure you that your personal POTATO will be assigned exclusively to you so you can maintain your current active lifestyle while OFFSETTING the negative impacts resulting from your GLOBAL DESTROYING gasses.
Become CARBON NEUTRAL today.
FEEL BETTER about yourself.
Do YOUR PART to help to SAVE THE PLANET.
(Note: The trading of carbon offsets is practiced by my personal hero Al Gore himself – who just happens to own a similar but more expensive version of SCAM, Inc. and -basically – this is what the Paris Climate Accord and the “Cap and Trade” proposals are all about)
So – Send me a $500 deposit and receive the first 24 hours of activity FREE – or you will be personally responsible for CLIMATE CHANGE and the death of millions (mostly women, children and minorities).
This offer is especially important for professional athletes, all “weekend warriors” and anyone who generates body heat (adding to destructive higher temperatures) with their excessive breathing habits. (Note: Members of the New York Knicks and New York Jets are exempt from this offer due to a lack of any evidence of effort over the last 15 years).
Start saving the planet today. As we’ve been told… “The debate is over. It’s a moral issue.”
ACT NOW. You have a choice – send me your money – OR LET PEOPLE DIE. It’s up to you.
Remember… it’s for the CHILDREN
DISCLAIMER: The purchase of CARBON CREDITS is not tax deductible and will probably not deter the upcoming Federal, State, Local and United Nations Climate Change taxes currently being planned by those kind-hearted folks who know you’d never survive without Government oversight.
AOC approved this message.