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Stop the carbon adding menace

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Updated, 2:30 p.m.: Text added; it had been omitted in error

With all the recent talk about the need to combat climate change, I’ve been convinced. Yes my friends, the science is settled and it is now indisputable that something must be done immediately to prevent the absolute guaranteed climate disaster currently threatening the human race.

Since you are justifiably concerned – you’re in luck.

I have started a new company to provide CARBON OFFSETS to help those people who currently create more green-house gases than their share.

Let’s start with the facts:

  • It is a FACT that all people who inhale consume life-giving oxygen.
  • It is a FACT that all people who exhale emit Carbon Dioxide – a pre-eminent green-house gas.
  • It is a FACT that Carbon Dioxide levels in the atmosphere have INCREASED in the last 50 years.
  • It is a FACT that anyone who works out, plays sports, rides their bike, walks to work, or otherwise exerts themselves in any way – inhales and exhales more often than the average person.

 

Therefore – it is a FACT that active-type people are doing more damage to the planet than the non-active-type people.

So…

Since I care, I’ve created a new company called – “Stop the Carbon Adding Menace, Inc.” (SCAM, Inc.).  I have hired environmentally friendly activists who are required NOT to exert themselves in ANY WAY for at least eight hours a day.   This “non-activity” offers a concerned and caring person an opportunity to offset their “Carbon Footprint” by “trading” their excessive production of global warming gases with my non-threatening, pro-planet, dedicated, “People Of Truth And Thoughtful Of Environmental Safety (a.k.a. POTATOES).

All “POTATOES” are mandated by my strict company policy to remain ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY by sitting or lying down on their personally designated “Company Occupiable Units w/ Cushioned Headboards (a.k.a. “COUCH”) for the entire length of a work day. This (in)action will allow my POTATOES to remain on the COUCH thus slowing their breathing patterns and reducing the amount of human created carbon dioxide all while diminishing the willful destruction of life sustaining oxygen.

P.S. – Overtime is encouraged.

I started a company to SAVE THE PLANET – But what can you do you ask?

First – Admit the FACTS noted above are accurate (you do admit the facts above are accurate, don’t you?)

Second – Admit CLIMATE CHANGE is a serious problem (you do admit that CLIMATE CHANGE is a serious problem, don’t you?)

Third – Admit that you care and that you want to commit to actually doing something about CLIMATE CHANGE (you do admit to caring and you do want to actually do something about CLIMATE CHANGE don’t you?)

Then here’s your chance to actually DO SOMETHING about it  –

For payments of only $50/hour you can SAVE THE PLANET by hiring one of my dedicated COUCH POTATOES to offset your destructive “extra carbon producing activities.”  I can assure you that your personal POTATO will be assigned exclusively to you so you can maintain your current active lifestyle while OFFSETTING the negative impacts resulting from your GLOBAL DESTROYING gasses.

Become CARBON NEUTRAL today.

FEEL BETTER about yourself.

Do YOUR PART to help to SAVE THE PLANET.

(Note: The trading of carbon offsets is practiced by my personal hero Al Gore himself – who just happens to own a similar but more expensive version of SCAM, Inc. and -basically – this is what the Paris Climate Accord and the “Cap and Trade” proposals are all about)

So – Send me a $500 deposit and receive the first 24 hours of activity FREE – or you will  be personally responsible for CLIMATE CHANGE and the death of millions (mostly women, children and minorities).

This offer is especially important for professional athletes, all “weekend warriors” and anyone who generates body heat (adding to destructive higher temperatures) with their excessive breathing habits.  (Note: Members of the New York Knicks and New York Jets are exempt from this offer due to a lack of any evidence of effort over the last 15 years).

Start saving the planet today.   As we’ve been told… “The debate is over.  It’s a moral issue.”

ACT NOW.  You have a choice –  send me your money – OR LET PEOPLE DIE.   It’s up to you.

Remember… it’s for the CHILDREN

DISCLAIMER: The purchase of CARBON CREDITS is not tax deductible and will probably not deter the upcoming Federal, State, Local and United Nations Climate Change taxes currently being planned by those kind-hearted folks who know you’d never survive without Government oversight.

AOC approved this message.

Martin Tagliaferro

9 comments

Pepe DuPew March 8, 2020 at 8:28 am

Forget bovine flatulence, have you ever thought about the environmental impact due to excess human consumption of beans? There are hundreds of millions more consumers of legumes producing greenhouse gasses than there are farting cows. So it should be mandatory that all Mexican restaurant patrons be provided at least one Beano tablet before every meal.

Martin Tagliaferro March 8, 2020 at 11:36 am

Nancy – I hope you include the second part of this article – it’s actually even more entertaining (in my humble opinion of course).

Gordon Tully March 8, 2020 at 1:15 pm

Unfortunately misguided people like Martin will not be the only ones to suffer from the refusal to do anything about climate change. It is rather like people who refuse to be vaccinated for measles – we all suffer from their insistence on unregulated liberty. Unregulated liberty, expressed most clearly by libertarians, cannot coexist with civilization, which depends crucially on cooperation.

In any case, it is too late to stop the buildup of carbon and methane in the atmosphere. The only cure is a massive investment in carbon capture, and given the sheer number of idiots running governments and voting, it is highly unlikely that humans will make the investment.

Enjoy your present comfort, Martin, because in a couple of decades, or perhaps much sooner, you will be thoroughly miserable, along with the rest of us.

Gordon Tully March 8, 2020 at 1:54 pm

I regret using the word “idiots” to refer to misguided people and leaders. You don’t need to be a socialist to see that amassed wealth wields enormous power. There is nothing “conservative” about the efforts of the wealthy to suppress facts that interfere with their accumulation of more wealth. Climate change is deeply disruptive to their efforts, and individuals like the Murdoch son who funds the nonsense flowing from Fox “News” do everything they can to suppress the facts.

Their logic is impeccable: the only route to controlling climate change is through a massive redirection of resources, which can only be done by governments, and which seems to threaten powerful corporations. In fact, such investment would be highly profitable to business, except maybe not the businesses that are currently on top of the heap. If we have to relocate cities, what industries would be involved? could Exxon-Mobil rebuild themselves as a construction company?

In any case, misinformed people, far from being idiots, are trying their best to make sense out of a world swimming in destructive propaganda. I fear that by the time evidence on the ground displays the venality of these greedy individuals and corporations it will be too late to address the issues.

Babar Sheikh March 8, 2020 at 6:00 pm

Utter nonsense. Inform people, not confuse them. The topic is too complicated to be summed up like this. Nancy, what value do you see in this middle school quality essay?

M Murray March 9, 2020 at 6:21 am

Bernie Sanders will save us all. Free everything so all can sit on their couch and do nothing all day and still eat and go to school hoping someone else will pay for it all.

Steve Mann March 9, 2020 at 4:34 pm

Babar, please feel free to tune out at any time. Some of us still welcome a little humor in the world. Jeesh. Thanks Martin.

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